Praise the Savior

(The Jericho Project)


My friends, my followers, praise the Savior!  

Praise, praise the Savior... now today, my friends, I want to talk about something very important.  You see, it all started with this certain young man that we all know.  He was once a member of this flock but he doesn't come here much on Sunday mornings anymore.  I'm not going to name him and single him out but many of you know of whom I speak.  Anyway, I spoke with this young man recently, at his mother's house, and tried to get him to get back on the righteous path, praise the Savior!  And do you know what he told me?  He told me, Reverend Alljoy, I am having doubts -- doubts about my faith, doubts about the Gospels, about the divinity of the Christ, about the Church and the Message of the Third Revelation... and it near broke my heart, it near rent my heart in twain to hear this intelligent young man admit to these shameful doubts.  How can I convince him, I wondered?  How did this loss of faith come to pass?  And do you know what he told me, brothers and sisters, praise the Savior?  Praise, oh, yes!  He told me, Reverend, it's like this -- it seems, to me, he said, that the smartest and best people I know, all the other engineering students at the college, my professors, the people I admire most, are agnostics, even atheists.  None treasure the Gospels and the Message, very few of them attend a Sunday Service, and those that do so tend to do it in a lukewarm manner, halfheartedly, and only because a family member forces them to.  Praise the Savior.  The only people, this boy said, who come to the House of God every Sunday, and every Wednesday night, the most devout in their attendance and their belief, they tend to be, well, the "stupid" ones.  He hesitated to say it, but he said it.  He used that exact word, stupid.

It's terrible, it's terrible, my brothers and sisters, yes, praise the Savior, it is terrible.

But do you know what?

He is right.

He is right, praise the Savior.  I mean, let's be honest with ourselves, we're not the brighest bulbs in the drawer.  I'm no Einstein, I can admit it.  Heck, look at Doobie Cooner over there -- Doobie, stand up!  You, I'm gonna single out.  Yes, yes, wave to everyone, Doobie.  Now this is Doobie Cooner, you all know him, you know what he is.  Now Doobie -- okay, sit down, Doobie -- Doobie is as dumb as the day is long.  That's right.  Doobie's the sort of fellow who stares up at the sky when it rains with his mouth open, ain't he?  He sure is.  How far did you get in school, Doobie, the fourth grade?  What's that now?  The third?  See, folks, you see what I'm talking about.  Doobie Cooner never misses a Sunday, and he's as thick as a bag of wet hair, while this intelligent young man, who now only comes here on Christmas and Easter, he is a straight-A student and if he was any sharper, he'd cut himself.  That's the way it is.

So, my brothers and sisters, what does this mean?

What does it really mean?

Well, I will tell you.  Oh, praise the Savior.

There is a reason for this.  Oh, my yes.

Do you know what it is?

I do.

For I have thought and prayed long on this, and when I pray, I go deep inside, and not just inside the mind of God Almighty, but the mind of the Enemy, inside the mind of Satan the Deceiver.  Yes, I have touched his mind, deep in my prayers, praise the Savior, I have glimpsed his wicked mind and I have seen his designs.

Satan... is recruiting, as he always does.  He has his own church, deep in the Lake of Fire, and he has pews to fill just as the Lord does.  Praise, praise.  And who has Satan been recruiting lately?  Whom has he sought out to join the ranks of the damned these last few decades?  That's right, the smarties.  The eggheads, the professors, the scientists, the smooth talkers, the best and brightest of us...

...and why not?  Do you think the Fallen One needs any more lunkheads like Doobie Cooner taking up space in Hell?  No, no, sit down, Doobie, don't be afraid.  Praise the Savior.  He's not gonna get you here.  No, Satan doesn't want any more dummies, no sir.  He wants the smart ones, the engineering students like this young man whom Satan has caused to lose his faith so tragically.  He wants the high achievers, the college professors, and anyone with some fancy letters after their name -- can you look at the world today and doubt this inescapable truth?

You cannot.  

But why?

Why, I ask myself?  Why, I asked the Lord?

And the Lord, He gave me the answer.

Satan is building something.  Something more evil than we can imagine.  For you see, the realms beyond, Heaven and Hell, they were once as simple and natural as our world once was.  But as knowledge and technology have increased on Earth, so have they in the Beyond. The Realms are not static in nature but always increasing in complexity, you see.  Machines, computers, aircraft, rockets.... as these become known here, so they become known there, the knowledge of them carried into the hereafter by those who die and pass on.  In the last fifty years, the sinners who have gone to the Lake of Fire have brought their technical skills with them, have no doubt.  Do you think Satan makes no use of this learning?  He does, he does, my brothers and sisters, and he is putting that learning to use.  The discovery of modern military technology was the sweetest surprise that Satan has got in the last few centuries, yes sir.  So this is what was revealed to me; Satan is constructing a weapon, something decidedly mechanical in nature, deep in the bowels of his dark kingdom, to use against God, praise the Savior!  It is something like a missile, something like a laser, but more fearsome than any on Earth.  That smart young man, were he to die today, God forbid, would find himself forced to labor on this abomination.  This Infernal Device is nearing completion.  The more scientists and engineers that Satan causes to go astray, the more workers he has to complete it.  He is close, so close, to having a weapon powerful enough to... to strike the Earth, to strike Heaven, to damage or destroy both, perhaps, or to at least alter the balance of power in the firmanent forever.

It is terrible.  But it is happening.  It is nigh.

What do we do, my brothers and sisters, praise the Savior?

I know.  For the Lord revealed that to me as well.

My friends, we must stop him.  We, the members of the Lakeside Baptist Church of the Third Revelation.  That is our purpose.  When the Lord called our congregation together in the year 1834, this great purpose was already formed in his mind. You have seen the flyers in the common room, talking about the Jericho Project?  That is the Jericho Project, the mission to destroy the Devil's Weapon.  How?  Simple.  We must infiltrate Hell.  We must go undercover as damned souls.  We must sabotage it from within.  Now!  I will need volunteers, about five or six volunteers in total.  The best among us -- that rules you out, Doobie -- the five or six of us with the wits to achieve this task.  But how do we enter Hell?  Why, that is the easy part.  We shall gather, next Friday, which is All Hallow's Eve and the day most abhorrent to the Lord.  We will engage in the filthiest, most depraved homosexual acts we can imagine, and all the while we will be repenting our true faith, screaming obscenities, and denying the spirit of God.  And at the end of this disgusting orgy, we will take our lives.  These three high sins -- sodomy, blasphemy, and suicide -- done in close proximity to one another as to amplify their effects, will be more than enough to nullify our good works and send us on the express train to the lowest levels of Hades.

Then, we must make our way to the weak spots of the device -- the Lord has provided me with blueprints that indicate their locations clearly -- there are several that must be obliterated, simultaneously, to collapse the superstructure beyond any hope of repair. And we shall do just that, praise the Savior.  We shall direct his own hellfire at the crucial junctures, burn them with righteous fury.  The Lord has promised me that this plan cannot fail, so long as we have the courage and the faith to see it through... and if we do, we shall become the most exalted beings in all of Creation, for we will have saved not only the Earth, but all of Heaven itself, praise the Savior.  We shall have thrones next to that of the Almighty himself.

What, my brothers and sisters, could be more glorious?

PRAISE the SAVIOR!!!

[Note: On November 1st, 2014, the bodies of Rev. Nathan Alljoy, James Cowler, Hooper Higgins Sr., and Dorman "Doobie" Cooner were discovered in the common room of Lakeside Baptist Church.  All were nude and apparently died of close-range gunshot wounds in the cranial region.  Evidence of extensive sexual activity was present.  No statements from their fellow parishioners have been taken at this time.  Lakeside Baptist is expected to reopen on December 11th, under the stewardship of Rev. Snoal Kliegman, a resident of nearby Putnam Co.]

10-25-2014
6:42AM