My best friend, he has these funny turns
he'll look outside and frown and he will say
dude, there's a rabbit out there and I think
he's about to take a shit on your lawn
and I say, my friend, let it ride.
Or we'll be eating lunch at work in the break room
and he'll point to the ceiling and he'll say
dude, there's a spider hanging there and I think
he's about to take a shit
might fall down here into our food, and that's disgusting
and I say, my friend, let it ride, let it ride, let it ride.
Let it ride.
Al Gore is fat now, which kind of defeats the point of being a conservationist
if you ask me.
He's fat and he farts, he farts and he farts fatly
the flabbering cheeks, he's eaten garlic and leeks, oh it reeks.
My guess is that spider droppings are quite healthy and prevent the formation of cancer cells when ingested regularly.
Al Gore, farting fatly. His large ass lives in a giant house.
Now we know for certain that he isn't a cyborg, android, robowhatever
a man metallic with molded plastic parts
because they tend to remain slim even in middle age.
Nobody building a robotic being would program it to get fatter
That would just be miles of wasted code that could be put to better use.
The very idea beggars belief
Al Gore, lardy fatqueef. Hardy manbeef.
Remember the friend I was talking about earlier?
One time when he was passed out drunk like always
we put him in his bed and took shits all around him
so when he woke up he was surrounded by a minefield
of our shit. Like four or five ripe piles.
And he was screaming, and I thought he's never been madder than this
and all we said to him was
let it ride.
Let it ride.
My coworker was listening to a song on her phone
and it sounded cool; the vocals were lush and gospel-ish
and there was a stuttering guitar loop and a glitchy beat
and I said... hey, biatch, who dis is?
And she said Bertney Spurs.
And then I was desolate and inconsolable
for having liked a Britney Spears song
and I beat my breast and lamented what sort of rough beast have I become?
But then I looked it up online and saw
to the infinite glory of my being
that the song in question was produced by none other than
Yes, the same.
It's called "Before the Goodbye" and you can look it up yourself
it's from around 2001 and is apparently a bonus track
that didn't make her third album
who the fuck made that call?
And then I felt much better
and utterly redeemed
...i also liked that one song "Stronger" back in the day
what can I say
I am become a beast
that song is kinda cool.
And so the Aliens landed
in a massive fleet of shimmering craft
and it was a huge deal for weeks as conferences were held
and the world leaders assembled and gave speeches
and it was all people talked about; we missed a lot of work
and kids stopped going to school and no one cared
and really it was the most amazing time I can think of because it seemed
like anything could happen
and the people gathered in the streets and partied and wondered what came next.
And finally, after a month or so
the President and the alien ambassador whose name he said
we could not pronounce and therefore call him Baklichon
they gave a huge speech together
and it went on for hours but the gist of it was this;
What begins now is a cycle of renewal but also sacrifice
as it has been done before on countless other troubled and polluted worlds
and over billions of years of relentless advancement.
We apologize beforehand, it may seem unfair
but our program of terrestrial correction must be followed without deviation
and your populations must comply and step forth to be evaluated
at any of our many control centers. Submit to our greater knowledge.
And you shall be analyzed, and depending on your qualities assigned to different zones,
your intake restricted, or increased depending on your current state
and your ailments shall be relieved but you may be unfit to multiply
and are sterilized
as we cull the violent, the deformed, and the unstable lunatics from your ranks
and the best of you, the intelligent and compassionate primates (for that is what you are)
will have their genes studied, sampled, replicated, augmented, and dispersed into
and thus your future will be improved.
The truly useless will of course be eliminated, carefully and with mercy
you know the ones of which I speak.
And you shall be put to work, to useful toil, tearing down the rotten, inefficient cities
and constructing new and better surroundings, cities of harmony and logic
and the wreckage of your last few centuries of war and waste and frantic growth
shall be excised as warts and boils from the Earth
and yes, you can have some of our advanced technologies
that can produce nearly infinite energy
from the rays of your own modest star.
Ah, I know even now what you are saying in your moldy huts and dusty dwellings,
your primitive and territorial urges rise in rebellion, and you imagine
that you will band together and ward us off somehow, but i say right now
such thoughts are futile; our authority is unassailable
and the sooner you get that through your heads the better.
If the majority of you wisely submit, in 200 years your planet will be utterly new
and more glorious than you can now imagine
and it shall be welcomed into the Galactic Network
and from there even greater glories await...
but if you resist, it shall still be done, in 220-230 years at most.
This we know.
In three month's time the Changes will begin. Choose wisely, human animals
because its going to be one hell of a ride.
Let it ride, let it ride.
Let it ride.
Now I was in a bar, a bar & grille when that was on TV
and most people seemed angry or scared or were breaking things
and my one friend, he said, dude,
those aliens are floating in the sky
and unless I miss my guess, they mean to shit on us
But they'll never get me, I'm far too clever
i'll fight them to the death, destroy as many as I can
come on, man, we've got to go make plans!
And so I grabbed a Jagermeister bottle and smashed his skull to bits
just to save the Aliens the trouble.
Let it ride.