The Secret History....

The Secret History of Dr. Shlongenstein

As written in the Book of Kells by the
Archbishop of Dorshetshamshire, Logres, Wales...


Verily, dear reader, my heart is indeed heavy as i here transcribe these words.  It was but two months hence since we saw the falling star in the Eastern sky.  We tooketh it as a negative portent, and indeed, these same fears were realized when we first heard from across Longwater the whispered name of Frankenshlong the great, the Dark Man who now abides in Rome, and even now sends his emissaries eastward, encroaching upon our borders, and these same agents of the Shlong did assure us that our very diocese will soon be amalgamated into Frankenshlong's ever-bloating empire...

And it was but one month since we saw the second falling star, howeverwise, the second of the celestial projectilations did land within the environs of our beloved towne.  We knew not what this portended, until just yesterweek when Shlongenstein reardeth his horrendous visage... ...you see, dear reader, there lived in an outer hamlet of Dorshetshamshire an odious and objectionable little man, full of spleen and wrath, and this man's surname beingeth William, and his prior name beingeth Charles.  This Charles William was ill-known among the good peoples of the towne for being a practitioner of anality and other forms of faggotry, which are naturally and wisely forbid by the sacred texts.  ( This same Charles William was recorded to have been prosecuted in the witch trials ten years previous, but was exonerated from all accusations when the dead cat failed to burst aflame when placed inside his anus.  )  This Charles William lived in sin and decrepitude in his hovel, neither meddling in our affairs nor we in his, though we did hear odd rumors of unnaturalness betwixt him and his livestock, but that is another story... by some ill luck, it was in Charles Williams' property that the second of the celestial objects did fall.  We shall never know what precisely did occur betwixt Charles William and the celestial object, only that it imbued this foul man with those same powers heretofore attributed to Frankenshlong the oppressor...

As it is recorded, yesterweek as i have previously stated, the good peoples of the towne were attending our Sabbath Mass, myself presiding, when this Charles William did most rudely burst through the chapel-gates in a state of extreme agitation and angerment.  "And what business brings Charles William to the house of the Lord?' i did ask for he had long forsaked the Sabbath day.  The nasty diminutive man was clothed only in a stained chemise, and i blush to say it, was not appareled in any breeches nor underclothes, his haired buttocks flapping, his engorged penile member hanging free as he swung it in a most unchristian fashion!  "Call me not by that Earth name!" Charles William screeched in rage.  Our virtuous congregation stared in awement at the at the little beast, and was making fit to eject his person from our chapel, when Charles William did suddenly waylay the barristers with a gout of flame which he shot from his penile member!  The two barristers, god rest their souls, ( William Cobb and Otto Sweetapples) were consumed forthright in the unholy blaze, and naught was left of them but smelly ash.  Charles William ascended the altar of the chapel, screaming and gesticulating in rage, and madeth this speech exactly as i here record it...

"Behold, tremble before the might of Shlongenstein!  For years you have persecuted and persnicketed me, the great Shlong of Nexus J-7, forbidding me from taking part in the fleshy pleasures of the anus, which i so loveth!  Attend to what i speaketh.  Though i do indeed hate and loathe of all of thee, i shall still make you part of my magnamanious design.  For you see, the power of Frankenshlong is growing ever more potent, and soon his legions shall be upon us.  Howeverwise, it is my sole purpose to defeat this Frankenshlong, and recapture the Crystal which is contained within his bosom, the Sacred Crystal from which he deriveth his powers!  With both Crystals, i Shlongensein, will be omnipotentous, and rule this soggy shitworld as i was destined!  Frankenshlong's sack can by no means stand against the might of my shlong, the mighty meaty staff of pure evil.  Behold!!!"

With not a word further, Shlongenstein spewed forth from his penile member another great burst of flamage, which burnt at once to cinders our beloved chapel.  Amazingly none of us was harmed.  Shlongenstein, as we now know him, madeth this pronouncement: that all of us must either join his unholy legion or else perish horribly in the hellfires of his shlong.  Forgive us, O Lord, as we voted in unanimity to be his chattel, fearing so much the wrath of his shlong.  And yet the worst was yet to happeneth.  Shlongenstein ordered us all to line up, where he would inaugurate us into his Shlong Army.  He would do this by thrusting his flaming protuberance deeply into our bared buttocks, be we man, woman, or child.  All who protested this foul treatment were at once consumed in his penile blaze, dying with many horrible screams.  I, too, was forced against my better sensibilities to admit this terrible man's heated, throbbing member into my anal region... O, the horror.  The despicable wretch thrust oncely, twicely, thricely!  I reminded the tyrant that i was a man of the Cloth, and it would be all the worse for him in the end to treat me thus.  Shlongenstein haughtily laughed and plunged still deeper, until i regret to say that i felt his foul shaft jabbing at my innards and stomach-sack.  At last he spasmed and shot his diseased seed up my nether region, and i felt it rise in my throat until i nearly choked to my death upon it.  I must have succumbed to a fainting fit and was abandoned, for i woke alone in a filthful ditch, my congregation and their vile new lord not anywhere within sight.  I learned only later that they had at once set off for Rome to unthrone Frankenshlong.  Whether they ever did i knoweth not, as i fled northwards to Canterbury, where i presently write this account.  I leave you, dear reader, with these words -- dark times are upon us, and dark forces have been loosed upon God's earth that we can scarce understand.  Beware Frankenshlong and Shlongenstein, these two seeming enemies who shall destroy us all as they rectifty their vendetta.  Whoeverso this Frankenshlong may be, i can only pray that he can be no worse than Shlongens........ dear reader, tragedy!  Alarm!  Shlongestein has just entered the Abbey where i sit writing!  I never believed that he could findeth my whereabouts but he has and he seeth me and the foul dwarf is advancing upon me, i try to run but am held by a force greater than my own help the shlong is unsheathed he is doing his impurity to me again god damn this hurts i hate so much this creature please in the name of the lord this unspeakable thing must be destroyed please god...

THE ARCHBISHOP CANNOT FINISH HIS ACCOUNT BUT I CAN    GAZE UPON THESE WORDS AND TREMBLE FRANKENSHLONG I WILL FIND YOU    
SHLONGENSTEIN.