Project: GILBROD Project GILBRODPart I: The Unquestioned Reign of Oribald Manticar...And the shells rained down upon us, and they bounced and scattered on the stone terrace: a thousand tiny shards chattering. And we laughed and raised our beaming faces to the sky, and we saw then it was a winged beast that swooped from impossible height, and the shells were strewn from its butt....Skurgis Barnok slunk into the tomb at 2:14 am on the second day following Christ's crucifixion and burial. Once content that his intrusion had not been witnessed, he hastily approached the slab. Beneath the shroud he witnessed an ag
Project: GILBROD II Project: GILBRODPart II: The Magnus Protocol..Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the woods, HE is waiting for you. Dreamworks Pictures presents: "Woodland Rapist: The Magnus Protocol." No one will be exempt from his wrath. In theaters everywhere this summer. You will scream but only he will hear. And he doesn't care. He doesn't care... in 3-D.Starring Shia LeBoeuf, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, and Sir Anthony Hopkins....The defendant appeared distressed and agitated. I do think his decision to attend court with a programmable dildo inside his rectu
Project: Gilbrod III Project: GILBRODPart III: Garbotzo's Shed..Buttery ranch sauce. You are waiting for it eagerly. You want the pure sauce. And you know I mix it just right. But you are also scared. You know that sometimes, some rare times, I like to… add, an additional ingredient, a special flavor, a taint, to offset the spectrum. I sense your fear. I see you now looking too carefully at the sauce, stirring it excessively for the chance of spotting a subtle change in hue. Will I give you the pure, uncut buttery ranch sauce, or will I slide you a serving with fo
Project: GILBROD IV Project: GILBROD Part IV: To Have Such Learnings..[ Scooser stench rating: Code ORANGE. ]Scooserian Stench Blossoms carried on a languid breeze...Leaders of the Tea Party Nation are criticizing remarks made by President Obama during a speech he gave last night in Cincinnati, in which he referred to them disparagingly as "open-mouthed cock suckers" and "craven, waddling shitpiles." White House Spokesman Jay Carney has declined to comment on the President's statements at this time...People are still smoking crack and nothing seems to stop them. Let them enjoy the crack. It soothes the savag
Legendarium: A-E Legendarium of the Council: The Official Reader's Companion Guide to the Works of the Council of Gandalf...A.Achnin Jerichite Magillicunt: A terrifying forest warrior fond of kidnapping and torture. Although he is killed and eaten by a flock of birds, he returns as a creature made entirely of feces. His reign of terror continues indefinitely.Adam: Younger brother of Gooch.Adam Sandler: A successful american comedian and actor.Aggarwal Malpani: A medical professional. He encounters a patient who becomes verbally abusive when denied a prescription for Oxycontin.
Legendarium: F-J F.Farmer Brown: A simpleminded and perverted farmer mentioned by Frankenshlong in a rambling letter that he wrote while under the influence of the Sackians. It is believed that the character reflects Frankenshlong's negative view of humanity.Farouq: One of the demon assistants of Arious. Companion of Jaospoo.Fecalites: A hideous race of mutated humans who possess grotesquely large anuses. Their lives are wholly devoted to the pursuit and practice of coprophagia.Fecal Braknosaur, The: see Harold.Feces Man, The: see Harold.Fecliss: One of the El
Legendarium: K-O K.Kelbark: A being who reveres the work of the Council of Gandalf. Peer of Verdibotch.Kenyan, The: see Barack ObamaKetsia: An attractive girl who is employed by G4S Secure Solutions.Kevin: Friend of John.K-Fed: A phenomenally famous and talented entertainer who eventually becomes world president. Husband of Britney Spears.Killiwick: A lord from the region surrounding Cornet village. He participates in the battle with Silus Assbag.Kimberly: A girl who desires to be subjugated to the will of an alien force, and realizes this dream
Legendarium P-T P.Pablo: A hot dog vendor who is repeatedly accosted by an unnamed street poet; he shows little interest in the poet's spoken works.Palgrum: Lord of the province of Derp. Cousin of Lord Annus.Panthera: Roman soldier who tortures Jesus Christ.Pasha Pookasha: A guild master who dwells in the city of Demzellezet. He rejects Jagrobar's application to join his stable.Paul: A man who is given the nickname "Butt-Sauce McGillicuddy."Paul Bunyan: A legendary lumberjack of western frontier myth.Party Gnome: A festive gnome who lives at the North Pole.
Excursions into Madness Excursions into MaDnEsSThere was a ring that enlarged the asshole. It allowed the juice to spill freely from the hole. Such was the Fountain of Scwees. There were occassional chunks that pop forth with a resounding wet gurgle and splash into your mouth. Oh the spicy shit with rice chunks.Wilbur looked up from the bathroom stall and thought about those words. Who would write something like that? He had seen some sick shit in his years on the road but nothing like that. Well he was blasting out a massive blob of rotting flesh when it hit him. The giant b
Excursions into Madness II Excursions into Madness 2: Return of InsanityStephen screamed. And screamed. And screamed. His butt cheeks had started vibrating earlier that day. It was subtle at first. Just a slight jiggle. But for some strange reason they were violently shaking now. Stephen felt his cheeks tearing themselves apart. He looked at them in the mirror and they were just a blur. He screamed again as they were shorn from his agonized asstical region.I was in the writing lab when this woman approached. She was running the lab, wearing a white shirt, a
Excursions into Madness III Excursions into MaDnEsS 3: The Saga ContinuesOne day I was hungry. So the first guy I find I cut off his nuts. The second guy I find I cut off his nuts too. Then I found this girl. I stuck a razor mounted on a high speed drill up her cunt. Chunks of bloody cunt meat spattered onto my face. This was enough for one day so I went home and kneaded the cunt meat into a creamy paste. I cut the nuts into beef cubes then sauteed them in the cunt paste. The nut cubes sizzled in the fry daddy. Ooh daddy, you so fine, you so fine you read my mind.Lorgin leaped from orb to orb. He wondered why the orbs were hovering over the pit. He was ju
Excursions into Madness IV Excursions into MaDnEsS 4: The Foul ChroniclesShe choked on it. I saw the blue pull into her head. Her eyes widened, bloodshot and panicking. A few scratchy wisps of breath. Maybe the word “please”. I couldn’t really tell. I let go of my shlong. Her body dropped lifeless to the floor. I admired the red ring around her throat. My face in front of hers. The spit falls from my mouth into her dead eyes.Stephen stared at electrical outlet in the wall. It was time. He approached the socket. With a finger he traced over every contour, every depression. The energy. It was there. It was waiting for him. He picked up
Forays into Madness Forays into MaDnEsS3.12.1999Michael Stipe dropped his pants and sat down on the stove. His crack was situated directly on top of a red-hot burner. The searing metal crisped and blackened the buttock-flesh. Stipe clenched his teeth and bit back the pain. He was saddened at the presence of the diarrhea that leaked uninvited from his frying sphincter and sizzled against the raw skin. He had vowed after all to keep control of his functions. Though he failed at this, he succeeded at his higher goal. He leapt off the stove and gazed admiringly at the remarkably well-ou
Forays into Madness II Forays into MaDnEsS 2: Mostly Concerning Filthy Negroes 3.19.1999Gorn was diligent to masturbate at least five times a day. He dumped the secretions into the bathtub. It took two years of collecting until he had enough. When it was completely filled with his seed, he brought his wife in to see the sight. When she wasn’t looking, he deftly sliced open her abdomen with a sharp knive. With his other hand, he swiftly plunged into her newly-opened cavity and ripped out the bloody sacs that he knew were the ovaries. The fa
Forays into Madness III Forays into MaDnEsS 3: The Joy of DrugsThe snATCH WAS SMEARED BY BLEEDING CRACK. The white powder burst from the plastic and mixed with the leaking cuntblood, making a pink sludge mixture. The tortured vagina foolishly been totally filled with Jose’s many kilos of crack cocaine. It seemed that he might be able to smuggle that shit through customs after all. But then the baggies break and that damn bitch is having her period all over Jose’s fucking crack. Jose is upset at the loss, and intends to teach that clumsy bitch a motherfucking lesson, chico. Right here, right now, mama. Bleed on Jose’s crack, I’ll fucking
Forays into Madness IV Forays into MaDnEsS 4: The Hall of MeatMy fourth grade teacher was this big fat woman with a big potatosackass. Every day after announcements, Mrs. McTubbs which was her name would strip naked and lurch up and down as fast as she could, her many layers of blubber rippling and churning. Then she would have one of us come to the front of the class and oil her down. But today she insists that I help her floss her butt to remove any remnants. I lulled her into a false sense of security by pretending to be her friend and then when I was halfway done, I yanked the floss as hard as I could up the great divide. Only when I saw that
Felzacore and Midraspore I Book Ithe war of the whoreflight to freakersthe sojourn of midrapsorethe rage of felzacorethe transmigration of the sagesamongst the dwarvesthe death of nadfunk and the madness of the small peoplethe tower of the one true herbthe dwarf-meldthe illumination of the dark one....Felzacore and MidrasporeA dark old legend, best if told outside at night when it is cold....The War of the WhoreFelzacore licked his sacular hole,And pinched his nut-ring flesh-domed moleTongue in abscess popped with pain as yellow liquids dripped and drainedThough hard it was his balls to flay, for the pre
Son of Shwagbert The Son of Shwagbert....Here i sit and here i write of Things That Not Yet BeThe Things that when i drink too deep, they simply come to me.Now i talk of death of King in heart of Dwarven Landthe King of Shwag will surely fall to Wizard's stronger handand leave the Land all Kingless, for thirteen seasons it be soUntil New King, the son of Old, return to weep the People's Woefor he light fires, very hot, the flaming kind that fryAnd all who try to kill this King will by this fire die....-- Crevice Festover, the Great Midge Prophet of Freakers Sacred Midgetonia Book of Future Things, 285 B.C.< Journal Entry Dwarven Sentry
Felzacore and Midraspore II-I Felzacore and MidrasporeBook II5.29.99the great council of elgethornthe sporite solariaback to urththe ridion leaguechronorinthe hidden landoben metraviethe almost-forgotten legendsfelzacore and solariathe fall of it all...The Great Council of ElgethornOne day on Sporth they came and metthe Sons of Elgethorn and two guestsand they discussed the current situationin the light of the planet's outer stationMitras Goloross, the old Sporite kingspoke as his voice through the halls did ring..."Many years earlier, when the Earth was first bornit was visited by glorious Elgethornthere, our progenitor,
Felzacore and Midraspore II-II ....continued from Part II-IThe Hidden LandWruesinn and Solaria, who through the wormhole made their wayto the outskirts of the galaxy where the Ridion Leaguers staythere, caught between the orbits of a double planet pairthey saw a gleaming waterfall that flowed upon the airfalling from one planet, falling downbut falling up, if viewed while standing on the other planet's ground.......and halfway between he two worlds, in the water's crystal stairthere hovered in the twilight glow a city made of crystal squarestransluscent cubes of icy gleam, hidden in the solar streamsemerging from the mists much like a vision or a drea
Exodus of the Shlongites Exodus of the ShlongitesEight thousand years ago, in the Time of Goure, the Shlongites ruled in the east. Their massive territory stretched for hundreds of miles across the coast. They were lords of their land and no travelers could pass in their country without making an appropriate sacrifice to The Meat Stick (best possible translation). These people of Goure, the Shlongites, demanded that one nut be given to The Meat Stick in exchange for free passage. Most visitors obliged and the removal process was well refined and caused little pain. In this society the shlong was ever present. Effigies to The Meat Stick were ubiquitous, some w
The Secret History.... The Secret History of Dr. Shlongenstein As written in the Book of Kells by the Archbishop of Dorshetshamshire, Logres, Wales... Verily, dear reader, my heart is indeed heavy as i here transcribe these words. It was but two months hence since we saw the falling star in the Eastern sky. We tooketh it as a negative portent, and indeed, these same fears were realized when we first heard from across Longwater the whispered name of Frankenshlong the great, the Dark Man who now abides in Rome, and even now sends his emissaries eastward, encroaching upon our borders, and these same agents of the Shlong did assure us t
The Hunt for Shlongenstein The Hunt for Shlongenstein as recorded in the Yurian Gospels by the former Archbishop of Dorshetshamshire Verily, Reader, thou art without fail already familiarized yourself with the tale of the hated Shlongenstein, heretofore to this story whereas it dost mostly concern itself with those happenings which must logically occur after what you have previously read. After being most maliciously, and with no just cause, anally violated on not a single but indeed plural occasions by the reprehensible Charles William, formerly of Dorshetshamshire, who shall now in these texts be referred to only by the appellation of Shlongenste
Meeting of the Shlongs The Meeting of the Shlongs How Frankenshlong and Shlongenstein the two great Nemeses, did finally meet..... The great Barnabas Greenly Frankenshlong relaxed on the throne, content in the knowledge that all was unfolding according to his design. With the powers of the Nexian Crystal, he had established his rule over the vast Roman empire. True, the people knew that Emperor Commodus was on the throne and Frankenshlong was merely the Grand Chancellor, but they did not know that the seemingly harmless Chancellor in actuality controlled the mad Emperor by means of the Rajknars that had burrowed deep into the Emperor's
Crystal Cid CRYSTAL CIDThere's a City near an ocean, which like cities long before is made of streets and stadiums and buildings full of floorswhich are filled themselves with denizens who whisper, "Oh, dear lord.... take me somewhere, anywhere, but here, oh, I imploreI've been here for so damn long that I can't take it anymore!!"I, myself, will say this often, over the din of the yelling and coughing,the screams of those who lie awake at night, those who stay out late to drink and fightor do whatever we must do to make our minds take flight...Weed there is, that one can buy, that gives you Chinese eyesand pills that glow with many co
Crystal Cid Revisited CRYSTAL CID - REVISITEDHis name since birth was Psilocyber, but they called him Crystal 'Cid though clear he hardly ever was in what he said and didPsilocyber was his name, and psilocybin was his gameIt grew in his apartment, in the closet, in the drainsand his once-a-monthly harvest brought him temporary fameand momentary monetary gainsHe lived for a day on the money he madeand then died for the next twenty-eight...He lived alone and like a leech, a squatter and a mooch,relentlessly smoking, eventlessly toking, and monomaniacally drinking the hooch.. but he knew the city inside-out, and crawled along its darkest waysw
Crystal Cid's Exquisite Id CRYSTAL CID'S EXQUISITE IDCid was deep within the Marshes trying to be a herothe only smoke he had was harshhis bank account was zeroAnd the Morlocks that he lorded over had yet to be persuadedto wage a hopeless war against the City which they hated...but as they lit the Morning-Bongs, he said that when they rinsed themat the conclusion of the Burning - by that time he'd have convinced them...He called his people one-by-oneand slowly, grumbling, they did come..."Skunk-Musk! Drug-Bust! Skankling! Goad! Reamer, Schemer, Trouser-Load!Oozing-Asshole, Todd the Toad!Retro-Rockets, Shlong-Disease! Picker-of-Pockets, C
Crystal Cid is in the Shit CRYSTAL CID IS IN THE SHITSo Psilocyber waited underneath the winter skyreflecting that today may be the day he'd finally die...He sat for a moment, gathering shells, watching the Sky as the Sun slowly fell"This could be the last time that I ever see it"he thought as his boot crushed a bug who was trying to flee it.But we have nothing there in death! No more thoughts and no more breathno time to live in, no space to fall, no mind to notice it's nothing at all..Immortal? Eternal? I thought once that was truethat I could live forever, never minding what I do...the gun, the knife, the hand-grenade, the studded knuckle-duste
Tibboh Milbog: Emergence Tibboh Milbog vs. Tegdim Frawd: the Emergence of a DoomMilbog lay hiding in the feces Frawd was writhing in his pain Milbog was waiting, releasing while Frawd smiled, squatted, and strainedFrawd released a mighty rotten load Milbog was sucked through the mighty bunghole Shit fell far from behind the sack the shit piled up, and Frawd never looked backMilbog stood in shit as he spit and spat Frawd sat in shit where he was at Milbog pulled a gun for a brutal attack a bullet in the eye and out the back ( but poor Milbog was covered in shat. )Milbog rose triumphant that day Frawd lay in blood and shit a fat, ugly, s
Tibboh Milbog: Consumption Tibboh Milbog vs. Tegdim Frawd: the Consumption of a DoomFrawd relished in the battle won the battle that had just begun over a discrepancy that either argued among the other one.Frawd gorged himself on chunks of meat the rump, the thigh, from head to feet he devoured all, and life was sweet but who had come to their defeat?In the stomach, there he dwell tortured in his burning hell Frawd Nemesis! to whom he fell Revenge i'll have to you, beware!Digesting in my enemies the Stomach takes my Purities revenge, and likes, i think of these digesting in my enemies...
Tibboh Milbog: Genesis Tibboh Milbog Chapter III: The Genesis of MilbogFrawd rose to bite in fierce delight the feeble dick that lay in sight he deathly bit, dying in despite the shlong to end the fight.Slap, grunt, the pain's away Milbog cursed the dead I'll kill you, Dwarven Sage Chamber, chamber in the head! ( the only way to kill a twisted midget is with your dick. )New powers flowed, new life possessed just evil now is all that's left forever altered, forever guessed this beastial became a plagued infest.Defiling corpse to please the beast new fetish comes to feed the feast and Milbog is disturbed in the least.
Tibboh Milbog: Mergence Chapter IV: Tibboh Milbog vs. Hobbit Goblin: The Mergence of Two MindsMilbog, dazed from nights before through agony which fell on bathroom floor from red asshole, wasted doer need really Milbog say much more?Dreams did cease when shlong was sheathed tearing Milbog from his sleep jumping forth to slay the beast Milbog slew his morning feast.Controlled by Id, his driving force Milbog raped in violent course hellbent and destined to destroy his one and only mighty source. The morning's gorge was yester's whore remains remained where blood had poured So Milbog set off leaving corpse aslain in search for salacious
The Dish Gnome I. The Dish GnomeOne day, Marc decided he was sick of doing the dishes all the time. So for a few days Gooch washed the dishes, but he quickly was fed up with the nasty chore as well. John tried doing the dishes, but that didn’t quite work out, either. The filthy dishes piled up and the smell grew quite unbearable. No one was happy with this arrangement, so one day they convened to decide what was to be done. Tempers flared as accusations were made, and they might have come to blows had there not come a sudden knocking at the door. The three halted their quarreling and opened the door. There stood a homeless midget whose name wa
The Broiler Gnome II. The Broiler Gnome Marc cursed and grumbled as he flung the chunk of frozen meat into the hot mouth of the stained and reeking broiler. It vanished into the depths of the cavernous metal appliance that loomed ponderously from the back of the Kitchen. Ten minutes before closing, and some damn biatch in the Drive-Thru wanted a fresh grilled chicken, and he had already cleaned the sandwich board in anticipation of going home, where he would probably have more damn dishes to clean, since the Dish Gnome was gone. But then he would spark Goldberry. He tried to mentally remove himself from
The Deathe Gnome III. The Deathe Gnome The immaterial spirit of Ozzleforth trembled as his old enemies approached the outer heavens. Please! he begged, we are beyond the travails of the mortal world! There is no more need to fight! Just read what is written in the Book, and you will... He spoke no other words, for the three friends -- who had made their way quietly, calmly, hiding their true intent -- sprang upon him, and soon had the diminutive soul at their mercy, though mercy they did not show him. They were all three wise enough not to try to beat or punch or choke their victim, as such crude physical methods were suited only to the Earth Plane. Ra
The Book of Matthew The Book of Matthew Matt listened in rapture. He thanked the heavens above that Gooch had given him this Lords of Acid album. "This song is fucking awesome!" he said. "Acid Queen, i shall worship thee forever..." Suddenly the door opened and his mother, Wilma, walked into the room. She arrived just in time to hear show me your pussy, show it to me! Matt fumbled and tried to turn off his stereo, but it was too late. She had heard. Uh-oh."Matthew! What in the name of darn is this filth?" she shouted. His mom ripped the Lords of Acid CD out of the stereo and stalked away. Matt decided that perhaps it wold be better to go stay with
The Book of Mark The Book of Mark Mark pedaled as fast as he could while the cold rain stung his hands and face. Would this new job be worth it? Sure the salary was three times what he had been making before but it was also about seven times as far from the apartment. Mark cursed his roommates. He knew they would be counseling right now. It wasn't the brutal power of Gandalf he felt but the searing drops of pain that were falling from the blackened and howling skies. His breathing was labored as he struggled to reach the crest of a hill. A brilliant bolt of lightning exploded nearb
The Book of Luke The Book of Luke-- 01 . 09 . 2010 -- John sat comfortably slouched on the couch, feeling the effects. Marc was sitting cross-legged on the floor, sipping a cup of coffee. Both were crispy. The room was dark, except the glow of the cathode ray television that they were staring at intently. They heard the approaching footsteps and the unlocking of the door as Gooch entered, shivering and brushing snowflakes from his jacket. He stood in the doorway, exchanging a few words with someone behind him. "Dude, Gooch, close the door, it's fucking freezing out there," John exclaimed.
The Book of John The Book of John2.8.99 It was winter, and John had gone back up North for the holidays. And when he returned to Tennessee, he brought back with him and presented for the wonderment of Gooch and Marc the largest, most beautiful, most aromatic perfectly greenish sack of Kind Bud that they had ever seen. Pure crystalline action, this dripped from every singular leaf and stem. They stared and simply considered the wonder of the Bud for fully two hours, reflecting upon its capacity for damage. Such a thing must be prepared for. The Council ruled that Marc and Gooch would be dispatched at once to the Kwik-Sak for the necessary lighters and
Just Some Thoughts III Just Some Thoughts III: Filial Piety3.4.2012 -- 3.24.2012Son, before you board that train that will take you away to college, i'd like to share some things with you. Just some thoughts that you might find informative or enlightening, some minor factoids, some modest kernels of wisdom from your old man. Are you down? Yes? Splendid.One thing that i've learned in life is to never buy those filet'o'fish sandwiches from McDonald's. Not only are they small, overpriced, and relatively tasteless, but they tend to have very inconvenient tartar sauce distribution. Most o
Merry Christmas, Mr. Ealing 3.19.2012I've met a lot of high rollers in my line of work, many men of power and prestige. No matter how big the wig, i have to play it eternally cool to protect my own reputation. But even i was a little starstruck as i entered the Salmagundi bistro in New York and was courteously directed to the table of Corbis Ealing......Ealing, as you well know, is one of the biggest players on the international stage. Our culture likes to besot itself with the myth of the self-made billionaire but only a handful of people truly do rise to prominence from utter nothingness and Ealing was one such of those.
The Nocturnal Repast The Nocturnal Repast.2.7.2012.A carnivore, a dinosaur, his fossilized remains resplendent on displayadorned the halls inside the walls of lordly vicar Desmond Pike,a facade be paraded for his after-lunchtime guests, a garish, grim charadeto be ponced and puzzled over as they lick the dewy icethat cools their minty julepsand the teas they brew from tulips.The fearsome beast he imitates, the winsome Desmond doesclawing at the ladies' muffs and snapping at their heelsto make them blush and squeal, such mischief ever was the shadow of the rapes he planned with secrecy and zeal...Oh my, the dread assaultshe carried out wi
Fulcrumatic Epilogue Fulcrumatic Epilogue 1.23.2012I'm not sure how it started, but it just became sort of a tradition that i had lunch in the lobby of the Meridian every Friday afternoon with Professor Fewterman. He was actually pretty hip for an older fellow and we had a lot of good palaver on whatever was going on in the world at the moment. He was also a self-described political junkie, which is not uncommon in D.C., and he never tired of hearing my old war stories from my stint in the Clinton White House. He wanted to hear everything, from how they treated Socks, to every issue that Chelsea had in high school. I may have been just a wet-behind-the-ea
Project Gilbrod V Project: GILBRODPart V: Grand Conqueror..There's a deleted scene on The Karate Kid DVD in which Mr. Miyagi eats the fly.Really?....no.Oh, right, because he never caught the fly, Daniel-san did. I bet that Mr. Miyagi really wanted it, though. Ai, Daniel-san, waste good meat. Very foolish....Maya Angelou voiced her concerns today regarding the newly opened Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial in Washington, D.C. Specifically she is troubled by the 'Stone of Hope' memorial centerpiece. After scrupulous inspection, Maya determined that the 30-foot relief, supposed to be of
The Novaluna Rainforest The Novaluna Rainforest 12.26.2011Corpsman Garrette Baines shuffled nervously in the crowded waiting room, but he did not have to loiter for long before the curt receptionist summoned him with an impatient gesture and hurried him through the side hallway. The sounds of construction roared in the near distance, and everywhere was bustling movement. Baines subconsciously longed for chilled confines of an earth hospital, sterile and secluded. But here on the Altair-6, on the outer skirt of the vast Novaluna Rainforest, there was no escape from the constant press of his fellow corpsmen and the other assorted m
The Deadly Hollows The old man slowly paced the perimeter of his small cell, his head bowed and his withered hands held before him. Every now and again he would halt and press them together, a look of weary concentration on his face, as he tried to feel any twinge or trace of the old magic. A slight tingle? Was it there, or was it just another false shadow, a phantom of wishful thinking? No, it was there, he felt it..."We were so stupid, so blind..." he murmured to himself as he resumed his shuffling. Again and again his thoughts returned to the past, to the long stretch of years that had led him to this
The Conflicted Incident . 10 . 06 . 2011 .Welde Sylvain sat at the desk, shuffling through the stack of paperwork before him. It was thicker than normal today, he thought as he sipped his large cup of bitter coffee. Head count sheets, daily shift reports, various work orders... the phone charger at
Just Some Thoughts II Just Some Thoughts II: Voluminous RobesI hate barbecue.I hate this cult of barbecue that involves idiots on the Food Network slobbering over some dive and blathering on about how Big Jim McCuttry smokes his meat for 89 hours with a combination of mesquite AND hickory chips and that's why he's a legend in Slocum's Head, West Virginny.I avoid barbecue as a rule. But it's hard to totally evade the stuff. This isn't Paris. Despite my best efforts, there have been a few times when i've had barbecue forced upon me via a workplace or some other function. Everyone has to fork over fifteen bucks for some collecti
Glenn Beck's Last Ride ...Glenn Beck grunted with exertion as he trotted down the steps of the FOX News building and hopped into the waiting limousine. One of the porters politely tried to relieve him of the large travel bag that he clutched at his side, but he waved the kid away with an imperious snarl. This stays with me, he thought.Finally the car pulled out and weaved slowly through the rainy streets of New York City. Glenn breathed a sigh of relief and sank gratefully into the soft seat that cradled his aching back and buttocks."Hey, how you doing, Mr. B?" Sam, the driver, asked in his thick Brooklyn accent."Sam, my man, i am fine like wine...""G
Cybertronic Star League 1989 Chapter V: A Small MisunderstandingCalvin Kenwood breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled his mom's car into the parking lot. As soon as the vehicle jolted to a halt, he exclaimed, "Woo!" and let his head fall and rest against the wheel."That was close!" he said. "You do know that i don't even have my learner's permit yet, Thandar?""What is that?" Thandar growled, "and why have we stopped, human?""Look, you Arcturian Cyberknights may be able to live on those energy capsules, but we humans do need food from time to time. See this place? It's called McDonalds, and it's one of the greatest inventions of humankind." Seeing Thandar scowl wi
The Talented Mr. Roshiss The Talented Mr. RoshissOver the long path of his onerous and dreary life, Gadge Roshiss developed a skill that, to his knowledge, no one else in the world had honed, at least not to a comparable degree. Gadge could consistently estimate to within a margin of error less than a single centiliter, the amount of liquid a person had eliminated during urination, solely by listening to the sound of their urine stream impacting a surface. Typically this would be some form of toilet where most of the urine impacted water, although Gadge had learned how to adjust his calculations for a variety of impact surfaces ranging from grassy fields to city
Nexus of Cordiality I Nexus of CordialityThe Subsequent Escapades of Jebediah Quarkington and Cidney Plimsol10.29.2010 : 1.22.2011..I.Cidney Plimsol fussed with his waistcoat, gnawed on his lower lip, and tried to ignore the insistent grousing of his empty belly. After spending the entire morn and the better part of the aftermorn sequestered in the vast halls of the Royal Order, he yearned for victuals. He was seated in a tidy parlor, recounting for perhaps the fourth time the entirety of his testimony concerning his acquaintance with the mysterious and now ominous Dr. Selrahc Mailliw Gnolhs. His greybearded interviewer
Nexus of Cordiality II ...VII.What next shall i say? What happened then to the estimable Quarkington and his young charge Plimsol is a matter of some debate, many of the details being lost to the shifting tides of history. For many weeks they fought to remain alive on the open sea, sustaining themselves on rainwater and raw sea-meats before being washed ashore on the beaches of Calais. In a state of starvation and delirium, it is said that they were captured by an itinerant troupe of mercenaries and indentured into servitude in exchange for sustenance. Under Quarkington's direction they adopted false names, and st
The Wilding of Sarah Palin The Legendary Chronicles Book V: The Wilding of Sarah PalinI.Sarah Palin did not need a pregnancy test or any other piece of cheap human technology to confirm what she knew; she was with child again. She murmured wordlessly with pleasure and lovingly stroked the contours of her slightly-rounded belly. It had been less than a week since she had copulated with her mate, but already she was keenly aware of the precious new life growing within her........as for he
The Autodidact .."Blood accounts for about 8% of the human body weight, with an average density of approximately 1060 kilograms per cubic milliliter, very close to the density of pure water... the average adult has a blood volume of roughly 1.3 gallons, and the blood is composed of plasma and several kinds of cells, which are called "corpuscles." The three elements of blood are red blood cells... white blood cells... and platelets.... all of these will be on the test...."Gary Bryant monotonously read the text to his class, fully aware that most of the kids were hardly paying attention. Sure, there were one or two nerds
Lundo's Gift ...Lundo Shithammer was the most famous of all the gully dwarves, renowned for his impressive girth, fiery temper, and bottomless lust for ale and wenches. Beloved by his clan, he ruled them with a strong hand for several decades, eventually uniting his clan with others to form a stable reign within the dark southern marshlands wherein they dwelt. Lundo's leadership was challenged many times by jealous rivals, all of who he defeated in fair and drunken combat. As is common with gully dwarves and their chieftains, any part of Lundo was treasured and thought to bring good fortune; toenails, skin flakes, sc
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